Methinks men have sacrificed enough these past Valentines already. Ladies need to stand up and claim their own share of responsibilities. Funny how y’all are always fighting for equality on mediocre issues [like being sidelined on an article about lawyers] but never willing to split the bills on a dinner date. I am a believer in change. A believer in progress. Change yields progress. If that relationship is to go anywhere, do something different this time round. Not the same old sex after a night out claptrap. Cook, Stroll, Shop…do anything. Just do it different.
For those of you still not in the know, let me school you real quick; Valentine’s Day was named after a Christian martyr dating back to the 5th Century. Valentine, a Christian priest, was thrown into prison by the Roman Emperors for his teachings. On February 14, he was beheaded for his crimes of being a Christian and performing a miracle. He had supposedly cured the jailer’s daughter of her blindness. And on the night before he was executed, he wrote the jailer’s daughter a farewell letter, signing it off with “From Your Valentine”. The rest is unimportant.
Yes, ladies, you can “Aaaaawww…” now.
The men have always taken the mantle ever since; ensuring the ladies have a good time and feel loved year after year. Even when it meant going through the next day on an empty stomach. I have a friend who bought his missus a nice set of chains last Valentine’s, a fairly expensive chocolate, shipped in her favorite wine, and even hired a room for that special romp after a glorious night out at Brew Bistro but he still didn’t hit it. The lady hadn’t gotten him anything but she still wouldn’t give it up. Okay, am digressing now but let me just summarize that story for you already. They broke up the following week. She said he was too pushy. Too pushy? Sweetheart, I spend that large on you there’s only one way that night ends. You can take that to the Hague.
My point here is simple. Ladies, step up your game this Valentines. Be the ones to wear the pants in the relationship, just this once. If only to know how heavy it feels.
Start his day with a warm breakfast. Serve him a nice meal [in bed, if possible], prepared just the way he likes it. There’s not a single feeling in this world as refreshing as waking up to the sight of a gorgeous woman [your woman] in nothing but immaculate white undies revealing her neatly-chiseled butt cheeks and your long shirt [which totally looks hot on her by the way] maneuvering through the kitchen. The sensation that engulfs one at that particular moment is indescribable. You fall in love with her immediately, even just for those five or so seconds. And you feel proud, and you just want to grab her and drag her smooth ass back to bed. But you resist and you just continue standing there. Watching her rinse the dishes and slice the onions into perfect pieces. Then you creep up from behind and softly kiss her on the neck, and she turns and smiles at you. Whispers in the most romantic voice you ever heard;
“Looks like someone’s being naughty this early.” Then she giggles and surges on with her cooking.
Am digressing again, dammit!
Lead him onto the shower after that tasty meal, and thereafter give him a massage like you mean it. Like you know how hard he works for the both of you on a daily basis. Like you know how even harder he works in that noisy bed.
Massage him till he sweetly falls asleep on your lap like an overfed baby. And dreams about walking that velvety butt of yours down the aisle. You will see him smile in his sleep, he may even cough out some name. Not your name. But definitely a lady’s name. Another lady’s name. Be worried not, for all you know the poor fella could only be thinking of baby names just incase you got pregnant soon. How thoughtful.
Yes, Medo, you can “Aaaawww…” again. *Sighs*
When he wakes up, take him for a light stroll. Some shopping at the mall could do. No boxers this time though. Perhaps that Chris Adams spray he’s always talking about. Or that Michael Kors watch he came back complaining he was denied a discount on the other time. Those DilRay Inc. hoodies could go a long way in warming him up those numerous times he has to stay up late, working; you know how it gets. Or you could just get him a front row ticket to the ‘Legend Of Kaka’ album launch and call it a day. Okay, that was totally my idea but still… get a brother something he can hold on to for a long time.
Dinner is on you tonight. And the drinks too. Order his favorite bottle. Two, actually; one for yourself. Immerse yourself into his world of crazy, just this once. Don’t be clingy though, allow him get a little wild like he does on his birthdays. You’ll notice he’s had one too many when he gets up and brandishes his wallet while singing along to Wizkid’s “Are you gonna dance-eh, if I show you di money”. He’s a miserable dancer. He couldn’t dance if it was the last thing left for him to marry Ariana Grande. At this point, just grab the bozo and take him home before push comes to shove.
I hate lazy ass women. Those that wait for everything to be done for them. Those that you take to a club and won’t even buy themselves a fugging glass of water. Those that will always point at you when the conductor swings his hand their way. Even if it’s just a meager 20 bob drive. I can’t stand petty mediocrity.
I’ve dated a few of them myself. No good ever comes out of such relationships. Drop her ass like a worn out sack of potatoes and just run. It might be harder than it sounds though, but what is ever easy nowadays?
So, men, lean back and just do nothing this Valentine’s. That’s my only advice. If she doesn’t make a single effort, know you got yourself a good for nothing bimbo. Tembeza kiatu! Relationships are a two way street.
Or maybe am just a miserable single bitter twat who probably daen’t have a date and is now keen on getting even with those actually who do. I don’t know.
Either way, Happy Valentine’s Lovebirds.