DEAR UoN STUDENT

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This is a Guest Post by Carey Baraka. You guys don’t know Carey, so I’ll tell you a little about him.

You know those guys that you went to high school with and were your best friends but then they disappeared after high school only to resurface eons later? Yeah. That’s not even close to it.

Carey is a guy I went to school with. High School. We could have been friends by virtue of having a couple mutual buddies but I don’t think we even talked to each other much. On most occasions, we just said our Hi’s and Bye’s. When it stretched, we argued over football. He’s an avid Arsenal fan…to the hoots. Which, for the cool guy persona he portrays, still baffles me. Who in their right cohorts still supports Arsenal at this day and age? What loser? Okay, that was just a retaliatory attack for a few shots he’s going to throw my way towards the end of this guest post. You’ll see. Arsenal is alright.

So, where was I? Yeah, football and banter. Carey was just a class behind me. Language Guru, used to bag awards for leading in English whenever results were released. He was lucky we weren’t in the same class though, I woulda whopped his corny ass. [Lanes, kid. Lanes. Hehe!]

Anyway, so Carey and I only began talking about a month ago when we realized we had something in common; Writing; That deep-seeded love for the pen. He has this crazy style of writing, he bullshits 90% of the time and will keep your mind going in circles with random wit and simple sarcasm. You will enjoy his writing, if you have a sense of humor somewhere deep within you. Believe that. 

DEAR UoN STUDENT. By CAREY BARAKA.

Dear Form Four leaver,

Earlier this week, your college admission status was made available to you. You have finally been admitted to that dream course of you always wanted. Alternatively, you may also have been admitted to that course you never dreamed you would do (Yeah, it happens, don’t fret, you aren’t the first one.) You can almost call yourself a college student. Almost here; meaning not yet – till September. Unless, of course, you sneaked into that university that only offers business. I hear they got in the other week. Still, you deserve a pat on your back. And a beer or two to accompany that pat. In fact, I should change the addressee of this letter…

Dear Almost College Student,

Please note that the key word there is ‘almost’. Don’t go bragging about how you’re in college; how you are at Moi, or KU, or the like. You haven’t been admitted yet, have you? Foot on the brake pedal, fellas. Unless you got into that University that only offers Business. Then you can confidently and proudly proclaim yourself a student of Business University. For the rest, keep your lips shut. Don’t go bragging about how you are a student at The University of Nairobi. You’re not, yet. You are just an Almost Student of the University of Nairobi…

Which brings me to the actual addressee of this letter…

Dear Almost Student of The University of Nairobi,

Allow me to offer my hearty congratulations to you on your admission into this great institution of learning. All your four years of hard work, or four weeks of massive exam irregularities, have been rightfully rewarded. You are now an ‘almost’ student of the only University in Kenya, nay, Africa, with the article ‘The’ in its official title.  The University of Nairobi. The ‘The’ should be italicized, capitalized and boldified (if that’s even a word). The University. That is how you introduce it when someone asks you which your (almost) institution of learning is. Better yet, you can just refer to it as “The.” Be arrogant. They’ll know what you’re talking about.

That’s brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about. You remember being taught to always be humble? You remember being told repeatedly how Pride comes before a fall? You remember where you were told some bullshit story about how a hare was proud and was beaten by the chameleon in some insignificant race? You do? Good. It’s time to toss those teachings out the window. Here at The University, we are batshit arrogant. We are proud, vain, conceited, narcissistic, vainglorious, self-important, bigheaded and inflated. Like what I did there. You see, a normal person would use the word proud, and be happy with himself for conveying his intended meaning across. A normal person. Well, here’s the problem, we are not normal, that has never been our style. To us, it makes better sense to use a million words, even at the risk of ambiguity, to refer to a single action. We are The University. The. Aye, Babu Owino?

Babu-Owino-524x350

The owner of this blog, the blog upon which you are reading this, is a student at JKUAT. Wait, why do you have a look akin to one suffering constipation on your face? What’s that? You don’t know what JKUAT is? Oh, sorry, Jomo Kenyatta University of Agriculture and Technology. No, it doesn’t have the article “The” in its official label. Yes, yes, it’s the one found somewhere in Thika. Or Juja. Or Kiambu. Ian, where is your university found? (Loud whisper: Ian is the owner of this blog) Let’s just say that this JKUAT place is somewhere on the outskirts of Nairobi. So, some time ago, students JKUAT unveiled a laptop they had allegedly assembled. And I use the word allegedly because I am vexed, annoyed, angry, irritated, displeased, cross, upset (see what I did there?) that those bastards at Juja Boys (that’s an endearing term for JKUAT) developed a laptop before The University. My dear almost comrade, you will find that an almost JKUAT student will repeatedly attempt to sneak this laptop story into any conversation you’ll have henceforth. You are to nip this act of flagrant indiscipline in the bud by politely reminding said JKUAT student that we had assembled a car (Nyayo 1 anyone?) before their institution existed. Slight exaggeration there, but they wouldn’t know, would they? They’re from Juja, after all. And you are almost from The University. The only institution in Kenya where, as Ian so politely put it, students have KEBS stamps inked on their asses.

You must also be aware by now that POTUS will be in Kenya for some time, and part of his schedule involves him giving an address at Kenyatta University. I would like to take this chance to inform you that for current and future KU students, this will be the zenith of their entire university life. They will talk about his visit for the next couple of hundred years, because nothing of a similar nature has and will ever happen to them. You are to listen patiently at their gloating, then completely ignore everything they just said and ask them about the weather. Or something equally mundane. Crush their tiny egos to smithereens. Better yet, ask them how many of their alumni have ever won the Nobel Prize. Or whether any of their alumni has ever been a Prime Minister in Kenya. Or whether their alumni occupy more than half the cabinet in Kenya. By jove, I think their most decorated alumni ever will be Vera Sidika, if she ever finishes her degree. But it’s none of my business.

Please note that I have gone soft on KU only because my mother learnt there. (Hi mummy!)

Dear Future Comrade, you must also know a bit about Moi University. They go on strike a lot, around once a fortnight. Tsk tsk. Rowdy bastards. Moi University is in Eldoret. Wait, it is in Nakuru. Where exactly is Moi University? Oh, one more thing about Moi, my ex learns there. This is totally personal information, but there are no secrets between comrades, eyy?

There are other tertiary institutions in Kenya. We don’t really talk about them.

Young one, I have imparted all the knowledge you need to know for now. The rest will be availed to you when you join up in September. Otherwise, cheers!

Yours,

Student at The University.

PS: When you are sharing this article with your pals at KU, give them a dictionary too, okay?

PS2: Ian, I swear this is not a waste of time. This is valuable academic information that will change a nation…Ah, crap, who am I kidding? This is bullshit.

PS3: You should stop reading now.

PS4: FIFA on PS4 is quite good.

PS5: Okay, I’ll stop now.

You can follow him on his Blog, Kenyan Philosopher- http://www.careybaraka.wordpress.com

7 thoughts on “DEAR UoN STUDENT

  1. Best piece I’ve read all month… Perhaps I loved it because am a student( not an almost student) at The University… Vera Sidika😂😂😂 KU guys go hang somewhere

  2. I must say, I was in constant wails of laughter after every statement from the beginning.
    Ps: I am an almost student of “THE”
    Notice how I capitalized the.
    Such great writing.

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