MR. AND MISS JKUAT 2014

Like Magunga Williams, I too roll with my own pack of goons. But unlike Magunga’s, mine are no writers. We call ourselves the PowerCircle, or G-8 (never mind the fact that there’s actually 9 of us), and we are the reason Mututho tosses and turns in his bed at night.

 

   

 

We believe in the olden cliché, All work and no play makes Jack (or Roy in this case…lol) a dull n***a, I mean boy. We study hard…then we drink even harder. Together. Okay, for the sake of sparing my old man a trip to his early grave, that was just me trying to sound tough. Mostly it’s just studying. We don’t drink…much.

 

See?

 

Anyway, so last Friday (1^st August) Juja hosted the annual Mr. and Miss JKUAT pageant. The event was successful, though not as rosy as you would expect of an event of this scale. Previously, the ceremony was to be held at some restaurant in the dingy corners of the posh Westie but how it came to be held in Juja, only the organizers can tell. All I know is a few thousands went to the wrong pockets somewhere there. The guest MC’s of the day, Chipukeezy and Sleepy David were a sham. Repeating every single joke they’ve ever cracked on Churchill Show with not as much as a single care in the world. I mean, seriously guys, how ocha do folks out here really think Juja is? We watch T.Vs too goddamn it! But don’t get me wrong, Sleepy David can tickle a crowd.  He’s a funny fella. Am yet to join in on this Chipukeezy bandwagon though.

 

 

Let’s talk about the ladies first. The Miss JKUAT contestants. Now I’ve just about had it with all these ‘Juja Boys’ naysayers out here. JKUAT has ladies. Gorgeous ladies. Ladies with class. Ladies with dignity. Ladies with brains. What K.U, UoN and USIU have are what I’d like to call blondes. Not ladies. I mean, how else would you describe a woman…nah, girl…who spends half her days trying to look like Vera Sidika and calling herself Kim Kardashian? ‘Cause as far as my diction goes, the tag ‘lady’ would be a gross overstatement. Yes, I said it. What you gon’ do?

 Tracy Ndunge Karu

 Divina Stephens Ondari

 Julie Martinez

 Anjili Laura

 Marionittah Koki

 Lesley Mukami

 

 

From day 1 auditions, I was team Tracy Ndunge Karu all the way. With a slim frame, twinnie teenie tiny gorgeous eyes and a smile from Mars inter alia, this chic had everything you would ever wish for in a woman…er, in a model, I mean. Every minute she strutted that runway I held my breath, hoping she wouldn’t miss a crucial step and leap to her downfall. And she didn’t. She took every step as if it were her last and boy was she declared victor. She’s no goddess, but tell me she’s not gorgeous;

       

 

 

From the onset, there was never a discussion about who would carry the Mr. JKUAT crown home. Muss, the first runners up for the title was a good catch but hey, you gotta know how to express yourself if you’re gonna vie for any seat in campus. Uhuru has his regrets with Kimaiyo and Ole Lenku’s dictions, ain’t no way we were gon’ risk that with Mr. JKUAT. A few murmurs still lingered here and there but anyone who contested that seat can tell you D.B Katana was the man to beat. My goons and I had been celebrating already with a couple of shots earlier in the night before the main event even began. Do you know how it would feel like having Mr. JKUAT as part of our little ship? I mean, some ladies have already started sending me mixed signals over her bana. But I don’t get down like that, am just saying. And this is a true story, I swear to you, a PowerCircle bloke was kissed by a shy laid-back girl from our class immediately Katana, we call him ‘Chuma’, was declared Mr. JKUAT 2014.  On the lips bana. A chic he hadn’t even shared as much as a twenty-minute conversation with before swallowed his lips like they were on set some Brangelina Hollywood romance blockbuster bana. Damn, these h**s ain’t loyal. *Just singing*. I guess one man’s meat is everyone’s meat after all, Aye? Speaking of which, who’s coming to kiss me?

Vicky? 

Claudia? 

Paula? 

MaryAnn? 

Anyone? No? OK!

 

 

Katana Baraka Daniel is the name, and the gym is his daily bread. For the short while I’ve known this fellow, his trips to the gym outdo my class attendances. Hands down. See, there are muscles and then there’s this ninja;

 

 

Am not saying he won because he’s a heavily built fellow. He worked hard for it, and he had an experienced team pushing him hard every step of the way. Michael Jordan says, ‘Talent wins games, but TEAMWORK wins championships”. Now mitches can call me gay all they want for posting that photo but y’all ladies can thank me later. You’re welcome. Meanwhile, go back to your fapping in screeched moans. Yes, you! Ain’t no one judging here sweetie.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, MR. and MISS JKUAT 2014;

              

 

 

 

In other news, been working on starting a segment on this cute little blog of mine called INTERVIEWS where I’ll be interviewing people, selected at random, I think are working their brains off and deserve some recognition. Some will be established celebrities, some may just be guys whose names even Google can’t recognize. All in all, everyone deserves his/her shot at 15-seconds of fame. Coming Soon!

 

Enjoy your weekend!